-so the sun sets on another day.-

pt. 1

i lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and glancing out my window every now and again to watch the sky. it will be another sleepless night, and i know it. it still amazes me how the sky, now that it's summer, never really turns completely black. it's more of a dark teal color throughout the entire night. it can be 2am, and yet the sky will refuse to completely give itself over to the night.
almost as in protest. "i will not be shut out" and apparently, neither will my mind.
i fear i'm turning into an insomniac. slowly, but surely. it seems that every night i stay up just a little bit later than the night before. not because i'm too awake to be asleep. don't misunderstand, my body is worn to the point of exhaustion, but it's my mind you see. my mind that wont shut up. shut down? shut out? in any matter, it makes it incredibly difficult to rest at night when i should be. instead, i end up tossing and turning in my twin size bed, thinking of the things that have past, and the things that have yet to come. as hard as i try to relax, as hard as i try to just concentrate on my breathing, it wont be quiet.
breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. close my eyes and concentrate. concentrate on nothing but the breathing. yawn. re-adjust. heart slows down. relaxation? possibly. sleep? possibly. rest? god, i hope so.
i'm almost into that place of euphoria and freedom when i begin to think again. about what? anything. everything. someone, something, somewhere. panic now. what time is it? don't look, you'll only be angry which will delay the process even longer. laying on my back now, one leg straight while the other bends at the knee. i swear i almost look like a laying down ballerina. no! don't think dammit.
calm. quiet. breathe.
say a quick prayer.
i know i don't talk to you that often anymore, but please, let me rest.
there is too much on my mind to sleep. i will get there sometime tonight, as i always do. but for now, my eyes slowly open. everything feels like it's caving in on me at once, and there's nothing i can do to stop it. as much as i try to push back, stop it from swallowing me whole again, it comes hard and fast. it is loud. i throw my hands against my head, running my fingers through my hair. no.. i don't want this.. go away...
i can't get it to stop. it's coming again.
the tears begin to flow, warm against my skin.
i need to get away.
one last peer out my window to take in the strange teal colored sky, and i let the tears sail me away to sleep.
at last.

-getting lost in my mind again..-

how do i decipher what it is You are trying to say?

how do i tell him, i might have to walk the other way?

how can i be sure of what is right?

please, just help me sleep tonight.

put my restless mind to bed.

help me relax my busy head.

wrap me in Your arms tonight,

and sing me a sweet song tonight.

sing me a lullaby..

-everything we used to be.-

it's official.

it's a fact.

it's the truth.

it's reality.

it's hitting me like a brick wall.

it's acceptance.

it's here.

it's right in front of me.

it's you.

it's me.

it's that building.

it's those nights.

it's those laughs.

it's those tears.

it's those moments of silence.

it's your smile.

it's your wit.

it's your everything.

and i miss it all.

i miss you.