forks in the road.

-well i'm not dieing-

2012-02-13T07:02:00.001-08:00

so i figure that's a good thing.

my brain has been going absolutely bonkers these past few weeks.
anything and everything that could possibly occupy the space in my brain, is occupying it. and it's starting to drive me crazy.

oh well.

i've taken up tea-drinking, which is weird for me. but it's really soothing. very relaxing.
i actually had a pretty decent sleep last night which was nice. it's quiet lovely.

valentines day is tomorrow.
i'm still on the fence on how to feel about it right now.
don't get me wrong, i am happy for all y'all who have someone and are going to go on your romantic dates and get flowers and chocolates, and have the best time ever with the one you love..
i'm just not sure what i'm going to do for it.
on the one hand, i could stay home and have a ridiculous girls night in with my roommate and mother.
and on the other hand, i could spend it with the guy that i'm interested in. and have a semi-romantic, but mostly ridiculously fun night of home-made chips, mariokart and classic mario on his wii.

but here's the thing. as awesome as both of those options sound.. i sort of don't want to do anything. or get anything from anyone.
i just want to curl up in my room with a cup of tea, some nice music and a book.
oh well. this is not a catastrophe.

what is also not a catastrophe, is the fact that i keep changing my mind as far as my frickin' tattoo goes. uugh.
i just can't decided. i like the idea of getting a phoenix, but at the same time i'm not really sure if that's really.. me. ya know?
and i keep hearing this line in a song, and it makes me want to get some sort of tree.
explanation: "i was a seed, scattered within a forest of trees, that burned to the ground in fall, and winter covered me.. but spring found me, your sun melted all of the things that held me down, and called me out of my ashes, now i am a tree."

same idea as the phoenix, but a little more kaitlin. i don't know. i just don't know internet!

on a more serious note, i want to move to bc.
this is a huge decision, but it's what i want. i'm not sure when or how, but i will eventually get there.
i fell in love with bc the first time i went, and i have never felt as home as i do when i'm there. which is weird because i wasn't born there, nor have i ever been there for more than a week at a time. but there is just something about it that intoxicates me, and makes me beg for more.

sort of like him...

so first things first, i need a car. and i need to get serious about my budget. time to sit down and figure out just how much everything is going to cost me in the long run.

it's also time to talk to boss-lady about getting on full time. it's just time for me to grow up.

spread my wings and all that jazz.

alright, it's time to get christian all up in here.

warning, the following paragraph(s) may contain God-talk, worship speak, and other things that could offend you. reader discretion has been advised.

Gods chisel.

you are an original masterpiece.

God doesn't make junk.

the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

we are all at different stages of emotional and spiritual maturity.

some of us need to check ourselves as far as the previous goes.

these are the main points that hit me in the face. it was like God was reaching out and shaking me saying, "do you see what I'm trying to say? do you understand yet?" it was awesome.

and i know that this might sound weird, but i love being this close to my God again. i have missed it so much and i really enjoy being home and getting grounded in the spirit.

these past few weeks at church have really been great. i've actually been able to feel Him move through me again. like a river through the valley. and rain on a dry desert. He's refreshing.

it really feels awesome.

can i share something with you internet? the video that we watched yesterday? it hit me. made me tear up even. (gasp)

i'm not sure how many people actually read this thing, or take what i have to say into consideration, or think i'm crazy or whatever. but i have to stop being afraid to speak out about my faith! christians are notorious for being either bible-thumping, shove our faith down your throat kind of people, or the ones who are just too scared to say anything for fear of condemnation and judgement.

i say enough is enough.

internet, i'm not here to shove my faith on you or tell you that you're going to hell, or to judge you. judgement is not my job, and honestly i don't want to tell you you're going to hell because that's just too dang depressing. not to mention ridiculous. (not that i don't believe there is a hell. you can't have light without darkness and vice-versa)

all i want to do is reach out and show you a love that is impossible to describe, and the best thing that has happened to me. if that makes me even weirder than i already am.. so be it.

so here's the video. watch it, or don't. it's up to you. this is entirely your choice. gotta love free-will right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhfUzodLRvk

-maybe be alright-

2012-02-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

well. today is the big appointment.

can't say i'm too stoked about that, but what can ya do? today is the day that i find out, if anything, what's wrong with me.
i'm a little nervous, a little worried.. more worried that they'll tell me there's nothing wrong that they can see. as stupid as that sounds. but at least if they tell me something is wrong, i can get on the road to finding a solution.
if they tell me nothing is wrong, that's it. i'm done.
no more blood tests, no more urinalysis, and no more doctors. if they say nothing is wrong, than i'm going to take matters into my own hands. maybe this new way of eating is the answer i've been looking for all along. we'll see i guess.
i'm a little frustrated. frustrated with going through all of this, just to end up right back where we started, with no answers. that's all i want. i just want answers. good or bad, i don't care anymore.

i'm not worried about if they're good or bad. i know i'll be alright. and i know i'll be alright because i know that God can see me through anything. He's seen me through some pretty dark times in my life, so why should this one be any different?
good or bad, He is with me.

and i know some of you might think i sound like some crazy religious nut, but i can assure you, i'm not "religious". i do not have cold religion in my heart. i have a warm, loving relationship between my God and i. this was a choice. i wasn't born into it. i wasn't forced. God showed up and moved in me in a way that i can't even begin to describe.
glad we cleared that up.

anyway.. today is the big one.
we'll see where this fork takes me.

see what i did there?
so. clever. sometimes.

later internet people.

-i am not a little girl anymore.-

2012-02-01T07:01:00.000-08:00

i am a woman.

a woman who is making choices and decisions for herself.
a woman who is finally getting comfertable with who she is.
a woman who is coming into recognition of what she wants.
a woman who is still your daughter, but not your little girl.
a woman who wants to hear your advice, but has the choice not to take it.
a woman who wants her freedom.
a woman who needs her freedom.
a woman who is going to tell you when she thinks you're being childish.
a woman who is annoyed with your negativity.
a woman who wants you to be happy.. but not at the cost of her happiness.
a woman who will make her own choices.
a woman who hopes you'll be okay with them, but knows you might not be.
a woman who can't sacrifice her happiness anymore.
a woman who is sick and tired of being miserable, just because you are.
a woman who is, as hard as it will be, will move out. move on.

i am a woman.

and you need to see that for yourself, or else we are just going to keep going around in circles until we are so dizzy that we don't know which way is up.

i am not a little girl anymore.
wake up and realize that.

-another change. for the better.-

2012-01-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

okay.

so i've changed the name of my blog. site's still the same because i'm not computer literate enough to figure out how to change that. but the title was really bothering me. "life, love and big mistakes"

why should i concentrate on the mistakes i've made? it's not like i can take them back or fix them. no point in dwelling on them. i've chosen to live joyfully and happy because the past is past for a reason, and God is going to see me through whatever life throws at me.

i'm actually going to start loving life. finding joy in a sunrise, and peace in the rain. i have missed these things, so i'm taking them back. no more living in shadows or depression. i'm done with that. it's a new year, and with that are coming a lot of new changes.

for instance, i'm taking a step towards getting healthy. i've started working out a little bit, and i'm going to be making a switch towards better eating. and honestly, i have never been so excited. the more i read up on this lifestyle, the more convinced i get that it's the way i need to go. ps, it's called "Paleo". i'm not going to explain it on here. if you're curious, Google that motha. it's pretty sweet.

i am so stoked for england. a group from my church is going in August, and i'm so excited i could probably pee my pants. i've never been off the continent, so it's a big, scary, exhilarating step.

i'm also planning on getting my tattoo this summer. i've finally decided what i want, and where i want it. pictures will most definitely be posted, for those of you who read this thing.
progress pictures with the new way of eating and working out will probably also be posted. i have 8 months to get in wicked shape for my birthday. i WILL look good in that bikini. so help me. haha

i am so stoked for life.

bring it on world.

-i love you-

2012-01-06T11:04:00.000-08:00

i'm not sure how many people actually read this, but i want to say something.

recently i have been going through a re-discovery of who i used to be, who i want to be, and ultimatly who i am, and i've had an ipiphany as far as my insecurities go.
it feels so incredibly awesome to be this close to my God.

and i just wanted to say something.

for those of you who feel like you've messed up too many times for anyone to love you,
you haven't.
for those of you who have pushed everyone away because you're afraid of letting someone in,
you're not.
for those of you who feel like you're the only one left,
you're not.
for those of you who feel like no one understands what you're going through,
they do.
for those of you who feel like something big, something that you might regret later, will help fix things,
it wont.
for those of you who feel like no one's listening,
He is.
for those of you who feel like there's no one to talk to,
there is.
for those of you who feel unworthy,
you ARE worthy.

you are so much more than you know. you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are wanted, you are needed, you are loved.

i love you.

and if i could, i would wrap my arms around you and tell you everything's going to be okay, because it will be. everything will be alright. cry now, and laugh later. and when do you laugh, laugh like it's an infection of the soul. like you can't control it. just let it take you over and let it do something amazing in your life.
all things will work out in the end.

i promise.

"it seems that all my bridges have been burned,

but you say 'that's exactly how this grace thing works'"

mumford and sons - roll away your stone.

-2012-

2012-01-01T17:54:00.000-08:00

this year is off to a great start.

and i really do mean that sincerly.
a fresh start.
a clean start.

it does hurt. but in a good way. in probably the best way possible.
which is odd.

but i know that this will be a better year. a year to concentrate on me, and God.

8 more months until england.

cheers for the new year.

-phoenix-

2011-12-31T18:46:00.000-08:00

i know what i need to do.

and what i need to do is break it off.

when and where are the issues.

it's sad when i have more in common, and know more about a stranger in 3 days, than i do about the man i'm dating in 6 months.

pathetic.

if i don't know anything about him, why am i with him?

i'm stuck.

pathetic.

chicken shit.

i don't want to hurt his feelings.. but then again he's said he has none..

it terrifies me to be on my own. i haven't been alone in so long.

but what i need to realize is that i will have friends to see me through my re-build.

and i WILL raise up through the ashes.

eventually...

first step.

leave.

-paradise-

2011-12-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

the silence leaves too many possibilities.
the ability and chance for my mind to wander. to places i don't really want to go to. but then again, i am a woman, and my mind will walk freely wherever the hell it pleases.
things i want to say, but can't.
worries i keep hidden down inside the abyss.
hopes and dreams i keep locked away in a chest somewhere.

metaphor? literal? i think it's a metaphor either way.
it doesn't matter.

silence.. is terrifying, and comforting all in one.
wrapped together like some oxymoronic gumbo.
it's confusing really. trying to navigate my own mind. too bad we don't come with a manual; not only for everyone else, but for ourselves.
but then again, that would be too easy, now wouldn't it?

that's the thought that's always floating around this ocean of mine.
and as i lay here, his arms wrapped around me, music playing, and me starring at the ceiling, i can't help wonder... where the hell am i going?
not literally of course. literally i am going nowhere. i am laying here on this bed. pondering my future while he doses peacefully.

lucky ass.
i'd give anything for a decent nights sleep.
there's something else. i'm so tired, of being tired. all the facking time.
but that's a rant for another day. ...or is it? ...no. not tonight. another time.

i miss.. everything. and i don't know how to get it back. i don't think i can.
i think the things of my past, are exactly that.. past. gone. dead.
and no matter how much i lay here and stare at the white ceiling, willing it with everything that i have to change, go back, turn back time and start over.
i can't.
all i can do is keep moving forward. and hope to God i end up somewhere decent.
not that i'm a huge pessimist or anything.
it's just the philosophy i have. people think i'm mentally ill or something (and maybe i am) but i swear this makes life a little easier to live.

Expect the worst, Hope for the best.

i mean, i suppose it is kind of a pessimistic view on life. but this way, the worst is never worse than i what i expect, and the best is always better than i'm expecting. ...repetitive. my writing skills are lacking some..

i hope i end up somewhere lovely. where there's someone who wont abandon me, and it always feels like dusk.
like i'm floating in sun, and nothing can go wrong. the warmth filling me from the crown of my head, to the tips of my toes. melting away this darkness that's sliding back into my life.
feels like dusk.
where everything is perfect. sure, there will be bumps along the way. but what's perfection without flaw?

don't judge me, my mind is ridiculous.

feels like dusk.

for now, i'm here. snapped back to the reality that i'm here on this bed, with him.
i'm not too sure where to go from there, and what's worse, i don't know how to end this thing.

end it on some.. intelligent, awe-inspiring note that will leave everyone wanting to hear more ramblings?

probably not.

-how do you hold onto a landslide?-

2011-12-09T07:44:00.000-08:00

the reality of it all is this:

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life,

but i know that deep down inside of me,

it's not where i want to go.

it's not where i'm meant to be.

because the reality of it all is this:

i'm meant to be in Your arms,

with Your love providing me,

with the strength i need,

to carry on.

all this time i've been searching,

in all the wrong places,

with all the wrong desires,

and all the wrong faces.

when in reality,

You're all i need.

will You come and raise me up?

raise me out of my ashes?

make me soar like the phoenix?

burned down to the bone,

but born again new in You.

i am new in You.

all this time i've been searching,

in all the wrong places,

with all the wrong desires,

and all the wrong faces.

when in reality,

You're all i need.

because the truth of it all,

is when i start to fall,

You're always there.

and the truth of it all,

is when i fall,

You still love me.

so i'll stop searching,

in all the wrong places,

for all the wrong desires,

with all the wrong faces.

because reality is,

You're all i need.

“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5

-let the right ones in.. let the old dreams die.. let the wrong ones go..-

2011-08-05T11:25:00.001-07:00

and so it begins. the first day of the rest of my life. and i couldn't be happier.

it's finally occurred to me that i need to stop trying to please everyone else but myself, because in the end it just leaves me miserable. it's also hit me that i need to stop trying to live a life that just, isn't quite me. i was busy trying to please everyone, and stay balanced on this pedestal that they had placed me on. too busy to see that maybe, just maybe, i was missing something. then i stopped, stepped down and took a good look around.

and that's when it hit me. hit me like a ton of bricks, in the form of a quote.

"if you're trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, go for whatever makes you happy. unless you want everybody to be happy, but you."

and that's when it really hit me. i was so busy trying to make everyone else happy, and live up to their expectations that i wasn't doing the one thing that i should be at 19 years old... living...

i want to do more than just exist. i want to go places, and see thing. i want to make decisions based on what's right for me at that very moment. i want to make my own decisions. i want to live MY life.

starting with getting rid of people who make my life more difficult than it needs to be. i did a friends purge. and i'm officially down to 5 people who i consider to be the closest to me. and even that's pushing it. but. that's what it's down to. people i've been friends with for years, gone. done. over. but that's life. one foot in front of the other, through the quicksand.

one of the things that was driving me crazy was how who i saw, meaning romantically, was dictated by other people. and i say "was" because i finally put my foot down and went with where my mind and heart were pulling me. and now, i have a fantastic boyfriend who makes me incredibly happy and who i can be my stupid crazy self with and not worry about it. it's so great.

i'm trying to get a camping trip going. just a weekend away from the city. a chance for me to let loose and have some fun with my friends, and a chance to be able to sleep beside him.. not worrying about time, or work. just. the ability to be completely wile and free for one weekend. yes please.

i'm finally starting to let the actual me out. the one that's been begging for freedom for a while now. she's coming out, and lighting the place on fire.

watch out world. i'm here. and i'm here to stay.

-find me-

2011-07-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

yes.

i do think about you coming home to me.

about you walking in the door, and wrapping your arms around me as i cook dinner.

running your lips against my neck without kissing it.

yes.

i think about you coming home all tired and dirty from a hard days work, and leaving a trail of clothing behind you while you walk to the shower. and maybe i think about following you.

yes.

i think about what it would be like if i saw your face first thing in the morning, and lastly at night. and how much i wish i could lay with you for hours without talking, or sitting behind you while we watch a movie and rubbing your back.

yes.

i think about it.

a lot.

-so the sun sets on another day.-

2011-07-04T22:45:00.000-07:00

pt. 1

i lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and glancing out my window every now and again to watch the sky. it will be another sleepless night, and i know it. it still amazes me how the sky, now that it's summer, never really turns completely black. it's more of a dark teal color throughout the entire night. it can be 2am, and yet the sky will refuse to completely give itself over to the night.
almost as in protest. "i will not be shut out" and apparently, neither will my mind.
i fear i'm turning into an insomniac. slowly, but surely. it seems that every night i stay up just a little bit later than the night before. not because i'm too awake to be asleep. don't misunderstand, my body is worn to the point of exhaustion, but it's my mind you see. my mind that wont shut up. shut down? shut out? in any matter, it makes it incredibly difficult to rest at night when i should be. instead, i end up tossing and turning in my twin size bed, thinking of the things that have past, and the things that have yet to come. as hard as i try to relax, as hard as i try to just concentrate on my breathing, it wont be quiet.
breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. close my eyes and concentrate. concentrate on nothing but the breathing. yawn. re-adjust. heart slows down. relaxation? possibly. sleep? possibly. rest? god, i hope so.
i'm almost into that place of euphoria and freedom when i begin to think again. about what? anything. everything. someone, something, somewhere. panic now. what time is it? don't look, you'll only be angry which will delay the process even longer. laying on my back now, one leg straight while the other bends at the knee. i swear i almost look like a laying down ballerina. no! don't think dammit.
calm. quiet. breathe.
say a quick prayer.
i know i don't talk to you that often anymore, but please, let me rest.
there is too much on my mind to sleep. i will get there sometime tonight, as i always do. but for now, my eyes slowly open. everything feels like it's caving in on me at once, and there's nothing i can do to stop it. as much as i try to push back, stop it from swallowing me whole again, it comes hard and fast. it is loud. i throw my hands against my head, running my fingers through my hair. no.. i don't want this.. go away...
i can't get it to stop. it's coming again.
the tears begin to flow, warm against my skin.
i need to get away.
one last peer out my window to take in the strange teal colored sky, and i let the tears sail me away to sleep.
at last.

-all this time..-

2011-06-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

find me,

here in your arms,

now i'm wonderin' where you've always been...

blindly,

i came to you,

knowin' you'd breathe new life from within...

and you sleep,

here in my arms,

where the world just shuts down for a while..

and blindly,

you came to me,

finding peace and relief in this smile..

find some peace and relief in this smile...

-it could be our own little world..-

2011-06-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

and i don't want the world to see me,

'cause i don't think that they'd understand..

when everything's made to be broken,

i just want you to know who i am...

-chances like this don't come very often..-

2011-06-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

i dare you to let me be,

your one and only.

i promise i'm worthy,

to hold in your arms..

-your love keeps lifting me...-

2011-05-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

that moment.
laying there.
your arms around me.
the heat of our bodies keeping us warm.
no other sounds.
listening to the music.
i want it back.
<3

-don't you shiver?-

2011-05-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

your body pressed against mine.

in this moment,

there's nothing but us.

"did you miss me?"

you smile.

"yes."

we kiss.

everything else can just..

go away.

because all i want,

is here in this moment.

"i didn't want to leave.."

"i didn't want you to.."

could we just go back there,

and stay there for a while?

"i like how it feels when you've got your arms wrapped around me."

"i like it aswell."

i don't know what it is we've got,

but i know i like it.

-i hope it's going to make you notice..-

2011-05-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

someone like you and all you know and how you speak

countless lovers under cover of the street

you know that i could use somebody

someone like you

-if i could insert a music note here, i would.-

2011-05-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

want

dancing.

-when he's the one, i'll come undone...-

2011-05-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

what it would be like with me,

the way i wonder,

what it would be like with you..

-"i cannot hide, the more i try to let you go, the more i realize... i'm not over you.."-

2011-04-26T06:42:00.000-07:00

you know the other day? when you looked me in the eye and smiled?

at that very moment, you had me again.

i was drowning in your eyes and hanging on every word.

and now when i gaze up at the moon, i'll sit and wonder if you're looking at it too.

and maybe i'll send up a prayer that someday we will be staring at the moon..

together.

-happy? easter..-

2011-04-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

and then he got in his truck,

and drove out of my life..

-getting lost in my mind again..-

2011-04-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

how do i decipher what it is You are trying to say?

how do i tell him, i might have to walk the other way?

how can i be sure of what is right?

please, just help me sleep tonight.

put my restless mind to bed.

help me relax my busy head.

wrap me in Your arms tonight,

and sing me a sweet song tonight.

sing me a lullaby..

-everything we used to be.-

2011-04-11T20:26:00.000-07:00

it's official.

it's a fact.

it's the truth.

it's reality.

it's hitting me like a brick wall.

it's acceptance.

it's here.

it's right in front of me.

it's you.

it's me.

it's that building.

it's those nights.

it's those laughs.

it's those tears.

it's those moments of silence.

it's your smile.

it's your wit.

it's your everything.

and i miss it all.

i miss you.

-dizzy-

2011-04-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

There.. Is a feeling I get sometimes...

Deep within the core of my soul.

It is happiness, and hatred meshed into one.

It makes me cry, and it makes me laugh.

Hell, it makes laugh to the point of crying too.

It is what we crave, desire, need, long for.

And yet, it is what makes us sick, empty, and searching...

We rarely ever find it.

Esspecially now-a-days. why, with all of the cybertronic communtication and the "hey let's bang, but just so you know, this doesn't mean ANYTHING." When in all reality, it means EVERYTHING.

No, instead, it remains hidden. Only showing itself to the special few who it feels really, and I mean really deserve and are... Worthy of it, some would say.

It can be there, stronger than a hurricane one minute and then as quiet and still as a graveyard the next.

But either way, it seems to stick with us. From the moment we're born it is embedded in us to find... them...

It was encoded in our structure on the day of our conception and grew and continues to grow and flurish and expand with us everyday.

It chews us up and spits us out but leaves us wanting more.

It is capable of breaking us at any single moment, but we risk that, knowing the benefits and rewards are greater than any heartbreak..

And when we find them, and we dance, laugh, sing, kiss, embrace, and lay with them.. We know... It was all worth it. Every minute of it... That one moment of pure and absoloute bliss, was worth every fight, every tear, every ounce of energy you gave even when you had nothing left to give.. It was worth it all. To be there. In their arms. Living in there every breath and taking in their every movement, counting every freckle... Basking in the glory that is their eyes and becoming intoxicated, with every, single, kiss.. Everything.

And that thing.. That small thing that is encoded in us from the very first day we take up a home in our mother's womb, it bursts. Like a lightning bolt, or a grenade going off inside our chest.

It explodes, unable to be controlled. It hurts and tingles at first and then there is a slight second where everthing slows down. Time.. As cliche as it is to say.. Does indeed stand still. And you think, "Huh... Maybe my grandparent's aren't so weird after all.."

Just one second... That's all it takes... To fall into an abyss that you will probably never be able to scratch or claw your way out of..

You're stuck.

Just like the rest of us..

There... Is a feeling a get sometimes.....

Deep.. In my chest and soul..

And it scares me..

In the best, way, possible....

brain = mush

2011-02-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

so. pretty much.. cyber world...

i hate life.. so very much right now..
well. in the areas that don't contain my boyfriend. he's lovely.

but i hate school. i want to be done..
ugh...
my mantra to get me through?
-> 2... more... months....

and then...

FREEDOM.

effing.... rights...

that is all. back to homework...

-anyone up for a quickie?-

2011-01-27T22:17:00.000-08:00

well...

that friend and i are talking again...

there's only a few more months of school...

the show's finishing up..

my best friend is coming to live with me..

and by God, i'm going to marry that man if it kills me.

goodnight.

-well then.. 3 days in..-

2011-01-03T14:00:00.000-08:00

well. this year is starting off pretty.. interesting.

i'm pretty sure i just lost one of my longest and dearest best friends.

and for stupid reasons.

oh well i suppose.

i guess "forever" was a lot shorter than either of us anticipated...

once young girls with foolish dreams,

the best of friends, attached at the hip,

no one could break us,

i guess i'm just not what you wanted me to be.

i will miss the things we had,

but somehow, i know we'll both be okay.

goodbye enrique..

-come to bed.. -

2010-12-12T22:26:00.001-08:00

kiss me.

always.

never stop.

passion.

pure, unrestrained, raw, passion.

your hand, my thigh.

your lips, my neck.

your heart, my heart.

please..

come to bed.

don't go.

your breath, my breath.

my head, your chest.

thump. thump.

please..

don't go.

come to bed.

kiss me.

always.

never stop.

never.

2010-11-23T08:28:00.001-08:00

today is cold.
today is windy.
today is exhausting.
today is short.
today is long.
today is sad.
today is weird.
today is bipolar.
today is today.
good thing tomorrow's tomorrow.

2010-11-12T09:17:00.001-08:00

i think my kidney's are acting up again..
as weird and hilarious as that sounds..
it's not funny...

i thought the summer time sickness was over...
i guess i thought wrong..

-the downlow...-

2010-10-31T16:24:00.000-07:00

so. here's the thing.

i had a crap week as far as my boyfriend is concerned. BUT we got it all figured out. :) which is good.
he came over last night and we got to kind of spend the night together.
i somehow stubbed the toe directly beside my big toe. and ONLY that toe. no other toe is harmed. just the one BESIDE my big toe. and now it's purple and swollen, and i also can't feel it anymore.
i'm concerned. :S
we'll see if the nail comes off. if it does, does anyone want pictures!? lol 'cause i'd so post some for you guys..
so you may all see my disgusting feet.

anyway. we're in production week right now. meaning we have shows every night until saturday. YIPPEE.......
UGH!

but the actors are pretty cool lads and ladies. so, that makes it all the better. :)

today is halloween, OBVIOUSLY, and all the techs backstage are dressed up as cats. i have my fangs in and my wiskers drawn on. i also have a pipe-cleaner tail and my ears attached to my headset that i have to wear.
go us. :D
"can i get a headset check in the order of, stage right, stage left...... pirate cat, props, sound, LX, spot one, spot two, spot three and spot four?"
"-giggles-stage right."
"stage left."
"....pirate cat."
"hahahaha! props.. ..haha..."

yeah.. we rock..

anyway. the shows going well. my job is pree sweet. i get to wear a headset all show even though i'm not saying anything and i have a grand total of like... 5 jobs throught the ENTIRE show..
although, i do get to make an appearence when i'm on top of bertha and pre-setting props for the second act. with my headset and belt-pack in all my glory.
it's pretty awesome.
so anyway. now i have to go get ready for the show tonight and i should probably go to the washroom while i'm at it.

anyway. that's all cyber world.
chat at ya later.
<3 kait

-food for thought-

2010-10-18T06:15:00.001-07:00

don't. EVER. fight with plywood...
you will lose.
my hip will testify that it's not a smart move..

2010-10-01T23:54:00.000-07:00

dear heart:
please consult with head before making rash decisions.
sincerly, kait.

dear head:
please kick the crap out of heart when they come to you with these ideas for this stupid decisions.
sincerly, kait.

2010-09-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

so here's the thing..

6 days from now,

i will officially be beginning my last year,

as a teen...

birthday,

here i come.

-and here i am, here i am falling...-

2010-08-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

me:

"haha i like how you say he's the love of my life.."

mum:

"well.. i'm not blind.."

me:

"..what do you mean?"

mum:

"it's plain to see you're crazy about each other."

2010-08-19T02:14:00.000-07:00

i know i know. i haven't posted in a while...
sorry folks. been busy. and haven't really had much to report.
so. here's the run down.
camping with the boyfriend = amazing.
roadtripping with my mum = hilarious.
cleaning the house = refreshing
aaaaaaand.
health issues = almost back to normal.
that's pretty much it. not a whole lot going on.
the boy and i are still crazy about each other. he was over tonight. ^_^ i missed him. -sigh-
but yeah.. other than that...
i'm out cyber world. sorry fo the boring post. :( i promise more love later. <3

-this is just the beginning...-

2010-08-04T01:22:00.000-07:00

sing me, sing me a song tonight..

it would seem we've fallen,

and we keep on fallin'..

we keep on spiraling down,

down to the ground.

but as long as we hold, on,

hold on to each other,

we can give each other wings,

and fly, fly away..

so sing me, sing me a song tonight.

tell me, oh tell me, it'll be alright.

just hold me in your arms, my love,

and never let me go.

to look into your eyes,

and know that i am loved..

oh baby, hold, me, tight..

and just sing to me tonight..

-kaitlin .k.

2010-08-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

today.. i am frustrated.

i used to write poems and whatnot.. and am having serious writers block. nothing sounds the way i would like it too.
or it sounds too childish.
on top of that.. i have all these pictures and cartoons, clothing designs etc in my head. and they look amazing..
but i guess somewhere along the way things get lost in translation..
or it could be due to the obvious fact that i cannot, for the life of me, draw.
and it's frustrating and depressing to no end..
because i have all these things in my mind.. that i can't translate to paper to share with people.

siiigh......

-under the weather-

2010-07-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

hey y'all.
i may or may not post for a few days. did something to my knee, and i think i might be getting sick. :(
i spent all day today wallowing in self-pity because i can't walk without my knee hurting, i had an excruciating headache and felt as though i was going to vomit.
wonderful, i know.
i do look forward to telling you about my amazing day yesterday.
....just not right now. right now, i'm going to go to sleep and pray to the good Lord above that this headache go away.
later gators.

-kait

-just a quick note-

2010-07-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

no, i didn't die. i just haven't had the time to post lately. don't worry i will.
if not today, for sure either tomorrow or wednesday. (depending on how tired i am tomorrow night)
i might post tonight after i get back from the docs.
so don't get your panties in a knot. :P
i'll be back.
thanks for missing me though. haha

-july 13th? just the best day ever.-

2010-07-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

so. that was probably the best day of my life.

i am so blessed.

thank-you.

-you're cooler than the flip side of my pillow...-

2010-07-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

"you make me smile like the sun,

fall out of bed,

sing like a bird,

dizzy in my head,

spin like a record,

crazy on a sunday night...

you make me dance like a fool,

forget how to breathe,

shine like gold,

buzz like a bee,

just the thought of you,

can drive me wild...

oh you make me smile..."

-fml-

2010-06-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

today, i've officially decided that i hate life. and life hates me. and my body is out to get me. that is all.

-kait

-blaaaaaah-

2010-06-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

sorry i haven't written in a few days. i have been dealing with some pretty crazy things.
-sigh- most of which, actaully, ALL of which are not so much fun. nope. not even a little bit, not even at all.

anyway.. i think that's about all i have time for. i have to go pick up my mum in half an hour. but i promise i'll be back with an update soon. probably tonight.

also.. pirates rock. nuff said. <3

-mumford and sons-

2010-06-20T00:24:00.001-07:00

"lend me your eyes,
i can change what you see..
but your soul you must keep,
totally free.."

<3

-i may be sick, but my spirits are high today..-

2010-06-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

okay. so here's what's up.
->first of all, i got paid today. ka-ching. yay for money.

->second, big fights suck huge ginormous monkey balls.

->third, got some new nose jewlery, and some pree sweet earings. so. :)

->fourth, i am sick. i woke up this morning without a voice. and actually, it was the afternoon. i didn't wake up until like 20 after one. go me.

->fifth, i have decided that imma ask this amazing guy to come to k-days with me. (side note: for those who don't know what k-days is; it's like, a big carnival type thing here in my city. held once a year, for 10 days. and it's pree sweet. and kyle's never been. so.. :D)

->and finally, i have decided that i'm going to do 30 hour famine this year. and it's going to be awesome. :) google it if you're not sure what it is. :P

anyway. i should probably go shower and get to the doctors. i can't really swallow anything, yawn, or talk without my throat hurting.

tata for now people. :)

-the ramblings of a crazy woman....-

2010-06-08T00:29:00.000-07:00

kait: "kyle, i have an ugly past..."
kyle: "and i have lots of room to help carry any luggage you may still have."

for once, in a very long time, i'm not 100% sure what to say.. all i really can say, is that after he said that, i stared to cry..
he is the only one that i have ever felt this unworthy of. but then at the same time, so privleged to know.

i'm sick and tired of guys not wanting anything more than to get in my pants. it's ridiculous, and i need to start telling myself that i worth more than that.

it's late here.. 1:34 am, tuesday june 8th to be exact. but i needed to write. i needed to let the words flow.
i feel as though, the moment you think something, you should write it down right away. lest it be forgotten or lost in the Winterlands of our minds.

i have learned that, too few people take the time to stop and see what's right in front of them. Because sometimes, whatever it is you're looking for, will find you instead of being found.

i know that i'm all over the place right now, and maybe that's due to what time it is. or maybe it's thanks to just how frazzled my mind has been lately. whatever it is, it makes for an interesting post.

i should probably be off. off to meet the Sandman. off to dream. and when i dream, i hope i am spoken to. i hope that things are made clear to me in the delicious swirls of color in my mind.

one last thing,
why is it that when we're not looking or watching, or waiting for that one certain thing, that it hits us smack dab in the forehead?

goodnight world.

-kait

-i believe we're secretly in love with each other..-

2010-03-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

never knew i could feel like this.

like i've never seen the sky before.

i want to vanish inside your kiss.

everyday i'm loving you more than this.

listen to my heart, can you hear it sings?

telling me to give you everything..

come what may..

-Crystal Clear-

2010-03-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

I hugged him and didn't even wait to watch him pass through the metal detectors to his steel eagle waiting on the other side. I turned around and walked away. Dealing with my emotions alone.
Nervousness, hurt, fear, sadness, lonliness.
Never have I felt so alone other than now.
My level of sanity is about to drop. Now the one and only person i could pretty much tell anything to, had left for the other side of the country.
Sold his soul, for a pretty penny I might add, to the forces.
Just. Like. Dad.
I walked outside hoping it would help me breathe again, hoping the coolness of the morning air would cause these waterfalls to cease.
It only made it worse.
My mom tried to comfort me by throwing her arm around me. Too afraid that I would lash out, misplace what little of the anger I was allowing out, I brushed her off.
I didn't want to be touched, held, anything.
All I wanted was to wake up from this nightmare.
Somebody pinch me.
"Fine! You don't want my support, you wont get it!"
Her words stung like poison in my ears. Support?
If anything, with the basket case that I was, she should know I'd rather be left alone.
I just wanted to go home. Tired, depressed and with no one to talk to.
I mean, who would be up at 5:45am on a Saturday? Oh yeah.... Me...
Sitting in the back of his truck without him in it, at all, was probably the weirdest things I've experienced.
I found myself trying my damndest to hold back the tears, but as soon as I let a few in, the only thing I wanted to do was unleash the flood.
Not here. Not now. In the privacy of my room, and into my pillow. Then I'll let it fly.
No one needs to see how pathetic I am.
My eyelids felt like sandbags.. So heavy.
My hands felt like sandpaper against my skin. I seemed to have rubbed my eyes raw.
In attempts to dispose of the evidence of my idiocy.
Truly pathetic.. My father's words echoed in my mind.
I finally decide that the only way to fight through this, is to write. And to write like I have nothing to lose.
Which was pretty true in my eyes.
I had no father to say he loves me, no brother to bring me back a notch, and no lover to hold me while I cried.
The only people I had left anymore was mother (even she felt like she was slipping away..) and Alee.
My other half.
The Ying to my Yang.
I was truly only scared of losing those two.
Terrified was more like it.
Terror.
Hm. Now that I mention it, it's there too.
Deep in my core.
What if something happens to him?
To the small hint of my sanity he's holding onto?
If he vanishes, so does my ability to keep it together.
Dammit.
Why is this affecting me so miserably?
I fish for answers in this murky lake of a mind I have, but find nothing.
All I can really make clear of, is the fact that I now have the uncontrollable urge to write.
To put ink on paper.
To feel the words flowing through me like water.
Like the blood that runs through my veins.
So that's what I'll do.
I'll write everything down, and try to make sense of it from there.
Maybe someday, this will all become,
crystal clear.

-hello square one.. it's nice to see you again..-

2010-02-18T16:59:00.000-08:00

why do i constantly do this to myself?

the spaces in between my fingers are where yours fit perfectly..

-the name of the game..-

2009-12-25T22:06:00.000-08:00

and you make me talk....

and you make me feel....

and you make me show,

what i'm trying to conceal...

if i trust in you,

will you let me down?

would you laugh at me,

if i said i cared for you?

could you feel the same way too?

oh i wanna know,

the name of the game...

i don't think i've been this nervous and excited,

at the same time,

since my grad..

the worst he can say is no...

-as much as i ever could-

2009-12-16T22:52:00.000-08:00

oh.....

love of mine,

won't you lay by my side,

and rest your weary eyes,

before we're out of time..

give me one last kiss,

for soon, such distance,

will stretch between our lips,

now the day's losing light..

oh......

bring me your love, tonight.

lost at sea,

my heart beat is growing weak,

hoping you'd hear my plea,

and come save my life..

as the storm grew fierce,

an angel was certainly near,

i knew there was nothing to fear.

bring me your love, tonight.

no i am not where i belong,

bring me your love, tonight.

no i am not where i belong,

so shine a light and guide me home.

no i am not where i belong,

so shine a light, guide me back home.

oh....

december first seems all too soon..

-ambush of the bambush bed.... -

2009-12-06T08:30:00.001-08:00

do you still have the image of me in your head?

the sensation of my lips on yours?

the feeling of my nails in your back?

the sound of my breathing?

'cause dammit, i still have you in my mind..

i can't get enough.

you're like my drug..

and every little taste makes me want more.

so come over here..

give me my fix.

-school is in session.-

2009-11-21T21:55:00.000-08:00

in probably about the last half of the year i have come to learn a lot of things.

i have come to learn that i need to decide what's right for me.

i have come to learn that friend's are all you need.

and that if they're true, it wont matter which day it is, how you act, what you wear, or whether or not you sing on or off key.

they'll love you anyway.

i have come to learn that the only thing stopping me from taking risks, is me.

and that i need to take chances that i may never get again.

i have come to learn that just because they say they still love you, doesn't mean they're telling the truth.

i have come to learn that i fall too hard, and kiss too soon.

i have come to learn that relationships are too much stress when you're in college.

i have come to learn that sometimes, you have to sit by and wait for that person to come find you.

and that sometimes when you're not looking for love, is exactley when you'll find it.

(not that that's happened yet..)

i have come to learn that you need to support the ones you love in their darkest times, and love them no matter what. because it's those times when they need you most. and it doesn't matter about what you bring, what you say, or what you wear when you see them. you just being there is more than enough to get the message across that you'll be there no matter what.

i have come to learn that life isn't what it was before.

it's not simple, and easy.

there's no more swingsets or big slides.

there's no more trick or treat, and there's no more nap time.

life is hard.

love is hard.

but that's what makes an adventure worth while.

i have learned that i need to dance like no one's watching and sing until my lungs burn because that is what's good for me.

i have come to learn that crying is good for the soul.

and that when there are no more tears to cry, laughter is the most wonderful, addictive and intoxicating thing you can experience.

now, i am slowly learning to have no regrets, to love like i've never been hurt, laugh too much, and to take too many pictures.

and i'm learning that sometimes there are bonds made that cannot,

under any circumstance,

be broken.

big daddy and the free spirit.

-hold me-

2009-09-06T17:47:00.001-07:00

i wish i could be as comfertable with you in person as i always am in my dreams...

but more than anything i wish the two of us could be as open as we are in my dreams..

tell me if there's something there..
please..

the confusion, and the doubting and the hopefullness is killing me..

this has to be more than just a crush.. it's been here for years...

tell me if you feel something... please..

-i want to do more than just exsist..-

2009-08-31T16:57:00.000-07:00

we were just two people with a whole lot of love for each other...

and a whole lot of things standing in our way...

-hmm..-

2009-08-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

so pretty much,

i miss my faith..

and i miss being so abnormally and mystfyingly in love with God...

i miss You..

nuff said..

<3

-epic facepalm-

2009-08-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

i still miss you.....

and i wish i didn't...

because maybe i could get on with things..

but the fact of the matter is,

i still effing miss you...

-you send my head spinning...-

2009-07-30T13:17:00.001-07:00

i can't get you off my mind..

not that i'm complaining..

it's just weird..

because even when i start thinking about someone else,

your face always pops into the picture..

and i can't figure out why..

i think..

i am..

but i don't want to say it..

but apparently it's obvious we feel the same..

it has been a few years since we've known each other..

maybe it's time to give things a shot..

chase me?

-i don't understand...-

2009-07-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

why is it,

after you've crushed me completely,

torn out my heart,

ripped it in half,

trampled on it,

and gave it back to me in pieces,

i still trust you more than anyone?

-it's been a while since i've ranted. here i go. shut up and deal with it.-

2009-07-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

so here's the deal people.

okay. so the rollercoaster that is my life is at a high at the moment and i'm going to take this moment to bask in the high and recognize that my life is actually somewhat good.

so i have been craving chinese food for the past two weeks and after going to the beach with my fam damily i actually got my frickin' chinese food. needless to say, i was quite satisfied. so incredibly delicious. and now we have leftovers. and i don't know if it's just me, but re-heated chicken fried rice somehow tastes a little better than fresh chicken fried rice. maybe i'm just crazy. i don't care.

ANYWAY

i've got countdowns going on right now. and they're pretty fantabulous. well, except for the one about saturday. 'cause my dad's getting remarried. but OH WELL. 'cause my absoloutley amazing boyfriend will be there. so that's good. um. speaking of my boy, our two month anniversary is next week. and it's also the day that my best friend arrives. :D i haven't seen this kid since christmas. and i rarely talk to him, but i miss him so frickin' much! so, it's a pretty obvious statement when i say that I'M REALLY EXCITED. for both occasions. 'cause even though i don't get to see my boy on the actual day, it's two months for us. and that is an exciting occasion. 'cause see, the thing is, is that i really like this guy.

NEXT PARAGRAPH. (btw, i'm super hyper. all hopped up on sugar as of the moment. )

so this topic gets its own paragraph. anyway. i didn't think it was going to be possible to feel this way about someone else. and honestly, i'm kinda scared at the fact that it's so easy to fall for him this fast. anyway. let me give you a little background. so pretty much, i couldn't stand this kid up until about half-way through first semester of grade 12. and then we becamse good friends, and started talking more and more, and bam now we're dating. (i said a little) so pretty much, i'm in shock. 'cause he's constantly making me laugh and smile. to the point that my stomach and cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling so much. he's truly amazing. and i'm so lucky to have him. but i wont bore you with all the nitty gritty details. let's just say that i'm a freak and he's a freak and that my friends, is why we work.

hm.. i think that's all i wanna rant about right now. but i'll end with a picture i found. 'cause it's oober perfect. :D

more talk later.

-summer-

2009-06-30T10:03:00.000-07:00

sleeping in.

waking up to the sound of rain and the wonderfuly cool breeze as it seeps in the window.

opening my eyes to see the relaxed color of my room.

thinking about the day ahead of me and what i'll do, where i'll go, and who i might see.

hoping i get to talk to him.

this is what summer is.

i can't wait.

-i really like you... hehe-

2009-06-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

run away with me..

to greece?

let's go.

-randomness from nowhere land..-

2009-06-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

maybe she's scared that for once someone wants to be with her..

maybe she's nervous 'cause he doesn't care for how long, as long as he gets to be near her..

maybe she's tense for him to see the real her..

maybe she's scared of getting her heart crushed again..

maybe she's not used to the fact that he thinks she's beautiful at her worst..

maybe she's nervous because falling for him seems all too easy..

maybe she's tense when he touches her 'cause she thinks that's all he wants..

maybe she's having a hard time believing him when he says he doesn't want any of that..

maybe she's scared for him to see her when she first wakes up..

maybe she's scared to trust him with her heart..

maybe she's worried this will be just like the last time..

and maybe he's scared she'll leave him for all of these reasons...

but she wont..

'cause she'd rather be worried and with him..

than numb and alone..

-alrighty then..-

2009-05-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

i'm going to make this short, and quick. so pay attention.

my boyfriend and i broke up.
he's got a new girlfriend.
i think he cheated.
i hurt.

i have two guy friends
who i'm falling hard for.
and i don't think i can pick.
i am confused.

my house has been invaded.
i have no space.
so i resort to my room.
my domain.
i am cramped.

the end

-i need a breather..-

2009-01-27T22:20:00.001-08:00

alright..

so i know that i take bazillion years in between posts..
but people, i need a breather.
i need some time to think.
i need some time to get my head on right.

i'm sorry.
i hope you'll be able to find something else to bore you to death other than this rancid thing i call a blog..

-sigh-

so yes. this is me, signing off for a bit.

don't worry though,

i'll be sure to inform you if anything incredibly exciting happens. ;)
like if i get my mind back in shape.. :S

oh dear.
alright then..

i suppose that's it for now people.

talk from the aliens and nowhere land soon..

promise. <3

-aids are not transmitted this way..-

2009-01-21T19:18:00.000-08:00

everyone needs to shut up and realize:

-> that cooties do not exsist.

-> germs are too small to be shared like this.

-> sometimes this is all we need.

-> sometimes this is all people really want.

-> this does more than anyone can ever know.

-> you're not a loser if you do this.

-> that not doing this makes you any cooler than you already are.

-> that whether you want to admit it or not, you want one.

-> that you need to slow down.

-> that you need to love unconditionally, and when you do, miracles happen.

nuff said..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

do it.. you know you want to..

curiousity is over-powering.

-me...

-sigh-

2009-01-17T16:15:00.000-08:00

bella's lullaby...
<3

'nuff said...

-uhh?-

2009-01-12T18:04:00.000-08:00

so.. pretty much..

i'm kinda stressed..
'cause exams and diplomas are coming up here pretty quick...

and i'm upset..
'cause i haven't been able to spend any alone time with my boy for quite some time..

lame...

oh! and..

i'm pissed..
'cause my science teacher's an idiot..

that is all..

-holy shiz..-

2009-01-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

alright..

so today was a freakin' rollercoaster ride..
and now, i am going to vent..
and i don't care..

first of all, the day started off with me seeing my best freakin' friend off at the airport as he readied himself to board a plane that would take him to his house.
on the other side of the country.
so pretty much,
i'm probably gonna cry myself to sleep.
i hadn't seen him in a year, and then just like that,
he's gone.
again.

and so, pretty much.
that dialed my moods for the rest of the day.
or should i say, mood.
depression.
frick.
i hate this.

my best chick friend was over today.
gawd, i love her.
she's amazing. the comedian in the friendship.
so we had a few laughs while she was here.
gotta love Youtube.

and then my amazingly wonderful boyfriend came over.
God, what did i do to deserve him?
he's amazing. and i honestly, have no idea what i did to the Man upstairs to deserve such a gift.
i have messed up so much in the past, that i don't think i deserve this.
not that i'm complaining.
i love him.

i'm pretty stoked for Y.C.
'cause he's<3 coming.
which is pretty frickin' epic.
'cause he's not a christian.
and here's the thing,
he wants to come.
i didn't force him into anything.
so that's pretty amazing.

-sigh-
okay.. i've detoured enough.
everything eventually comes back to the fact that my best friend, is gone.
and i don't know when i'll see him next. :(

p.s
patrick, i know you're reading this.

STOP STALKING ME!

-nothing i can say...-

2009-01-01T00:04:00.000-08:00

so pretty much,

this boy i'm with,

has gotten a tight grasp on my heart.

and i guess the only thing i can say,

to say exactley how i feel,

is nothing at all.

'cause you see,

nothing i say,

will ever amount,

to what i feel inside myself.

my heart pounds out of my chest,

everytime he holds me.

everytime his lips meet mine,

i forget how to breathe.

he's gotten ahold of me,

and as far as i know,

he has no intentions,

of letting me go..

and that's good.

'cause i don't have any intention,

of letting him go either.

-stupid boys-

2008-10-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

so seeing as it's been a while, i figured i'd just log in and say a few words..

well first off i'd like to say that i've been happily taken by my boyfriend for almost ten months.
i can't believe it's been that long. i mean, i know it's been a long time, but i didn't think it'd been that long.
know what i mean?
but i'm still happy with where we are. and i hope it continues.

but although i'm ahpy with my relationship with sean, i don't nkow how happy i am with anything else in my life..
i don't know how i'm doing with my faith anymore, and my friends all seem to be putting on some sort of a show..i don't know.. i think it's mostly me..

this friend of mine too is just being weird lately. i don't know. i mean, he and i just recently re-connected and got talking again. and everything was going fine, and everything was good.. we were talking again and getting our friendship all well and said..like old times.. but i somehow think he still feels something for me..
and things are starting to get awkward again.. -sigh- i hate this.
i sometimes wish that i could just go back to being in juinor high.
where i was the ugly duckling.
and i never had to worry about this stuff.
no one liked me. no one ever had any feelings for me.
no one ever scared me into thinking that i could get hurt..
but he does.
he used to, and i think that now that we've reconnected,
the feelings have come flooding back,
he likes me,
he has feelings for me,
and he scares me.

i'm so confused it's not funny.

he scares me.
i'm scared of losing the friendship that we have..
and i'm scared he'll let his emotions get in the way and throw all we've worked for to the pits.

well ladies and gentlemen, i hope that's enough for you to chew on for now. more the next time i log into cyberspace.

-layta

-oh shiz...-

2008-07-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

alright well.. seeing as it's been almost a month since my LAST update.. i figured i'd give the bored out of their skull readers something else to chew on...

not like it's going to be anything amazingly interesting. nothing i ever write really is.. ohh well...

-->anyway.. my parents divorce is finally effing done.. which is pretty freakin' sweet.. i'm happy for her.. :)
-->my bf is in b.c and has been for almost two months. -sigh- lame. i miss him. which is why i'm so effing stoked about going out there for a week.. in one week and 6 day biznatch... ohhh yeah... i don't think i'm even gonna be able to hold myself back when i get off the bus.. gawd i miss him..

ANYway...

-->well my dear little natasha celebrated her 16th birthday. -sniff- she's all growed up..
-->ohh! on the note of my mom, she's in ontario right now.. which kind blows cuz i miss her. (yes people i have a GOOD relationship with my mom).
i figure everyone should have a good relationship with at least ONE of their parents. if not both. esspecially if you don't have any siblings to get close to. your parents will see you through everything. yes, they may not approve of somethings. and they may tell you that you're not "allowed" to do something. but oh well.
at least TRY to have a good relationship with one of them?
kay..
-->well, my brother's staying with me at the house while she's gone, and it's been pretty effing interesting. but this is why i can't stay long.. because i have to wake up and get dressed and shower and such.. and then go clean.. 'cause he doesn't do anything.. well, and it's me too. :) i'm pretty messy..

hmm.. i think that's about it for now.. seriously. nothing's really new.. i mean, i might have some quotes and a few pictures for you later.. but that's about it.. so uhh...

layta..

-update update update-

2008-06-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

soo..
seeing as i haven't written in like a million years, i figured i should keep you all up-to-date on a few things.

-->well me and my bf celebrated our 6 month anniversary. half a year people! woot. i'd have to say that we are doing spectacular in our relationship. he's amazing.<3
-->umm. my parents divorce is FINALLY going to be done. within the next week or so, so that's pretty exciting. after 6 years, i'd have to say that my mom and i are going to be doing the freakin' happy dance. OH YES!!
-->i'm finally done grade 11. and on to grade 12. scary thought. graduation. ahh! what am i going to do with myself. fo realz. i mean, graduation, moving out, college, my music, my dance, i kinda wanna get married, start a family. woah. i'm getting ahead of myself. tehe.
but seriously. i have no idea what i'm going to do with myself after grad. i mean think about it, we devote 17 or 18 years into something and then all of a sudden it's done. it's like hitting a brick wall. all we've ever known is ending. it's like, "ahhh!". or at least it is for me. i'm not saying that i don't like change, because i do. change is good. is when my comfort zone is broken down, and i have nothing to hide behind that i get freaked out. o.O if that makes any sense.
--> what else? ..hmm.. seriously, nothing is really new. well, the church that i'm going to is going through some pretty radical changes. and i'm happy. it's like God is stripping the church down to the barebones and foundation and building His bride back up again. scary, but good. this is not the end. it is simply the beginning.
--> i saw Prince Caspian finally too! omg.. good movie. edwin, lookin' good. haha. seriously.
--> i think i'm supposed to go somewhere with my music. i've started playing my guitar a lot lately. mostly because i found chords to one of my favorite songs and was just goofing off with that. but i realized how much i love just messin' around on the guitar. it's so AWESOME!
-sigh-

well. there you have it folks. that is the amazing update of a girl who lives an abnormally boring life.

yay me..

more talk from the aliens later.

-frightened-

2008-06-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

maybe she's just

SCARED

because for once someone

WANTS

to be with

her...

-almost half a year-

2008-05-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

okay.. so on wednesday, me and that boy that i was talking about while i was in texas celebrated our 5 month anniversary... <3

i can't help but to think that this is miraculous, amazing, astonishing, brilliant, just GREAT.....

because this is officially my longest relationship.. most of my relationships last like, 3 months and then the guy finds some reason to break it off with me... crush my heart into little pieces, throw them down on the ground, stomp on them, pick them back up and feed them to the wolves... that's pretty much how i felt...

but not with him.... <3

Sean, or Hooker as that's his last name, makes me feel like i can fly.. he's the everything i've dreamt about... c'mon girls, we all have that guy that makes us feel.....beautiful.... and that's him.. Sean is my friend, my boyfriend, my shelter when it's raining, my sun when it's dark, and my escape when i can't breathe..

he is perfect....

granted he can be a pain in the butt, annoying, and very frustrating.. and yeah he makes me paranoid when he goes biking, or climbs trees, or fences, or football poles, because he had a concussion last semester but, that's just the way i am.. and who wouldn't be paranoid?

and i mean, that's life... that's just the way it goes..

but i can't imagine what i would do without him... i'd feel so lost and alone again... and i know that i shouldn't put everything that i have into this relationship, and i'm not.. but dang, i'm close.. i've put a lot of my emotions, my heart into this.. and who doesn't? it's just, i can't help myself when i feel like we're so close, and i can't help myself when i feel like it's right to be putting my heart into it... this is the first time that i actually feel like i love someone... and no, i'm not too young to know what love is... i'm 16 turning 17. i'm thinking about marriage and love and kids and all of the fun stuff... so am i too young to know what love is? no..

to me, it feels like he's rescued me from a lot.. like, the self-consciousness that i've grown up with... with the insecurity of myself.. i don't know... there's a song by an artist named plumb, and it's called Real Life Fairytale.. and i feel like it's the perfect song for us.. (this is the hopeless romantic inside of me... ) there's a part where it goes, "you're the everything i dream about" and i mean it.. he is.. he is perfect and i love it...it's like i was cinderella trapped in slavery to myself and the lies that had deceived me.. and then there he was... my knight in shiny tinfoil...on his valiant steed, coming to rescue me...

so there you have it.. i'm disgustingly romantic... but oh well.. that's just the way it goes.. and if you don't like it, tough..

more talk from the aliens later....

-guuurgh-

2008-05-08T21:43:00.000-07:00

so i'm pretty much tired of people telling me that i should tan...

because i CAN'T! i cannot tan... at all....

so hush.. and accept the fact that i am in fact white as hell...

-gurgh?-

2008-05-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

soo...

i pretty much love when people talk about me behind my back....

.....

i hope you all realize that was sarcastic.....

-gargglesnafin-

2008-03-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

just an update..

so i'm pretty sure my best friend hates my guts...

and for the first time in a long time,

i don't care...

i guess it was meant to end up this way...
oh well.. maybe it's for the better..

-spare time.. what to do?-

2008-03-05T09:46:00.001-08:00

okay. so i'm sitting here... in the library... alone... because i am a loser..
but i have a spare.. what else am i supposed to do with it? i can't bloody well go to Timmys and get something to eat because, i have no money.. therefore no money= no food.. oh the sadness and sorrow.
i've been debating a lot lately whether or not i should cut my hair, and i know it's no big deal.. but it kinda is... this is weird for me.. esspecially considering i don't usually get this upset and uptight about my HAIR! can you say stupid?
so yeah.. i'm definatley ready for a change though. i mean, i'm gonna be 17 this year.. isn't it time to grow up? -sigh-

anywho..

so my dad is supposed to be flying out from ontario today to finally get this whole stupid divorce done and over-with on friday.. and i'm probably gonna see him on saturday night.. with my brother and hopefully my boyfriend.. so yeah.. i'm nervous, but somehow excited at the same time.. like i haven't seen my dad since christmas 2006... so yeah.... it'll be awkward.. but good at the same time.. hmm...

what else?

seeing as i haven't written a big shpeal in a few days i figured that i'll rant and rave and such.. well, not really.. i just figured an update would be nice... seeing as all i've been putting on here were pictures and quotes..

lalala..

well.....i think that's about it for now... i suppose... i'll search the web a little more to supress my absloute bordem... gawd.. my school is lame... -sigh-

peace..

-me and my boy...<3-

2008-03-01T15:23:00.000-08:00

if you could only see

how blue his eyes can be

when he says,

he loves me..

-her drug-

2008-02-06T21:34:00.000-08:00

she's addicted to the song lyrics,

that spill her heart out for her...

-escape-

2008-02-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

we all need that place,

where we can just,

get away from the hell that is

life,

and just breathe...

-gah!!-

2008-02-01T21:44:00.000-08:00

i feel as though i'm going to

KERPLODE!

-say goodbye. by skillet..(and yes.. they named their band after a frying pan...<3)-

2008-01-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

[V1]

Things are changing
It seems strange and
I need to figure this out
You've got your life
I got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left here asking
Where has all the time gone now
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up and getting older
I don't want to believe it's over

[chorus]
Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

[V2]
Do you remember
In December
How we swore we'd never change
Even though you're leaving
That our feelings
Would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now
Can we make it last somehow
We both know what we've gotta say, not today
Cause I don't wanna leave this way

[bridge]
And if it's over
It hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were
Happy like we were

[altro]
Yesterday we were laughing (if you're gonna say goodbye)
Today I'm left here asking (if you're gonna say goodbye)
And although we knew this time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

-a new start...-

2008-01-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

here's to a better year,

and a new begining.

here's to less tears,

and less fears.

here's to more laughter,

and more love.

here's to a fresh start.

here's to 2008.

-few more-

2007-12-31T12:20:00.000-08:00

so, i know there's only a few days until you come home.

and i know there's only a few more days until i can hold you.

and be held by you.

but i still can't help but miss you..

because i had a dream last night that we were back,

and we were together..

and it was so real.

only a few more days...

8 to be exact. and that's not too bad..

but that doesn't change the fact that i miss you.

it's frustrating to feel this way,

and then not talk to you...

i almost feel like i'm reaching for something,

and i've stretched as far as my arm will let me go,

and i can almost grasp what i'm reaching for,

but it's just a little bit too far away...

to be so close, but so far away,

is driving me crazy..

but it's only a few more days...

only a few more days...

i miss you..

-45 things i know i would love....-

2007-12-26T14:02:00.000-08:00

1. Touch her waist.

2. Talk to her.

3. Share secrets.

4. Give her your jacket.

5. Kiss her slowly.

6. Hug her.

7. Hold her.

8. Laugh with her.

9. Invite her places.

10. Let her be with you when you're with your friends.

11. Smile with her.

12. Take pictures with her.

13. Pull her onto your lap.

14. When she says she loves you more, deny it. Fight back.

15. When her friends say they love her more than you, deny it. Fight back .and hug her tight so she can't get to her friends. It makes her feel loved.

16. Always hug her and say you love her when you see her.

17. Kiss her unexpectedly.

18. Hug her from behind around her waist.

19. Tell her she is beautiful, not sexy.

20. Tell her the way you feel about her

21. Kiss her on the lips.

22. Don'task her to buy you stuff. You buy her stuff.

23. Tell her what feels good.

24. Make her feel loved.

25. Buy her stuff. Even small things count.

26. Don't LIE to her.

27. DON'T CHEAT ON HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28. Take her anywhere she wants.

29. Message her in the morning and tell her to have a good day at school/work and how much you miss her.

30. Be there for her when ever she needs you, and even though she doesn't need you be there so she'll know that she can always count on you.

31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold you too.

32. When you are alone, hold her close and kiss her.

33. Kiss her on the tip of her nose, it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her.

34. While at the movies, put your arm around her. She will then automatically put her head on your shoulder. Then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.

35. When she complains that her neck/shoulder hurts, massage it for her.

36. When people diss her, stand up for her.

37. Look deep into her eyes and tell her you love her.

38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, and link your fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes and listens to you.

39. When walking next to each other, grab her hand.

40. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.

41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.

42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.

43. Take her for long walks at night.

44. Always remind her how much you love her.

45. Push her against a wall and kiss her.

-15 days-

2007-12-24T07:48:00.000-08:00

alright.. so there's only 15 days until hooker gets back from bc... ONLY 15 days.... do you think that if i say it with a positive attitude, it wont seem so long a time? maybe...hopefully.. that's what i'm hoping the effect is...

i talked to him for about an hour and a half straight last night... until it was time for me to head off to bed.. which sucked, because frankly, i didn't want to stop talking to him. -sigh- we were in the middle of the question game too.. sucky huh? a little bit...
anywho. so i know i probably caught some of you off guard.. because i was talking about this one guy, and now all of a sudden i'm talking about a bf? kinda left you all in the dust there. haha. let me explain..

alright so, smith or the guy i liked before didn't even want to talk to me. (but now seems to have no problem with it...) so i kinda gave up on him... oh well. and every day since the beginning of the year i've been hanging out with my friends sarah-sarah and hooker. (shut up, that's his last name.) and about a month and a half ago i realized, that yes, i do have feelings for this guy...but i wasn't sure if he felt the same way about me.. so i left it alone...
when he started going out with his now ex-girlfriend, i couldn't help but to feel a little hurt, and i wasn't sure what to do now except completely leave it alone because he obviously didn't feel the same way i did...

but then over the weekend they broke-up and he came to school on monday and told everyone... my reaction was, (outside)=aww. that's too bad... (inside)= YESS!!! -dances- fo realz...i know i know, i'm a horrible person.. but oh well... :)

so anyway.. we went on being friends until a recent question game confirmed that both of us felt for each other. me = happy... but we didn't want to start anything until he came back... yeah.. that plan didn't work out so well...
we were allready acting like a couple, and on the friday before he left, we kissed for the first time... cementing our relationship...woo-hoo! so now, he's in b.c and i'm in texas, and we're miles apart.. but not, at the same time.. and there's only 15 days until he comes home...
the time in texas should go by like a flash though.. because the holidays always do.. aint that the truth? can i get an amen? word...

and we get back home 4 days before he does.. i've already decided that i'm going to attack him when i see him on the morning of the nineth.. and he told me that he plans on doing the same... so wont we be a site to see? in the middle of the cafe... awesome...
i'm quite looking forward to it..

the only thing that i'm having a problem with now is what to get him from texas.. because i'm going to be a loser and take a picture every day with me counting down the days till he comes home, and then at the end i'm going to write him one big letter. :D i know, i'm a loser... but oh well.. i'm his...

well. i suppose i should probably wrap this up quick.. because although sitting on the couch with my uncles laptop is fun.... i think having a shower and going out SHOPPING would be a whole hell of a lot funner.. don't you think?

-texas-

2007-12-23T14:54:00.000-08:00

so i'm here. i made it. i'm in texas! and seeing no snow! FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!

am i excited and happy to be here? hell yes! excpet, my bf (hooker) is in b.c. and has been for the past 6 days. and there's still 16 days until he come backs to alberta. and now i'm in texas. so i'm even farther from him than before..-sigh- i guess i miss him... a lot.

and i left my cell at home, so i can't text him.. and he's at a friends, and he said facebooking would be hard to do... therefore, i'm not gonna talk to him for a few days. i can do this.. i just miss him LOTS! lol

i'm such a loser.

but i'm his loser. and that's all that matters at the moment.
because he treats me better than anyone before...

and i love it....<3

-conscience, feel free to kick in at any time...-

2007-10-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

i want this to happen,

but i'm wondering if i should let it...

i will admit,

i am afraid....

-knight-

2007-08-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

so i'll just wait for my perfectly,

imperfect knight in shiny tinfoil...

-innocence by avril lavigne...-

2007-08-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

Waking up I see that everything is ok,

The first time in my life and now it's so great,

Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed,

I think about the little things that make life great,

I wouldn't change a thing about it,

This is the best feeling...

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay,

This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now,

And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by...

I found a place so safe, not a single tear,

The first time in my life and now it's so clear,

Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here,

It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere,

I wouldn't change a thing about it,

This is the best feeling...

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay,

This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now,

And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by...

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming,

It's the happiness inside that you're feeling,

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry...

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming,

It's the happiness inside that you're feeling,

It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry...

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry!

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry,

This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away,

Cause I need you now,

And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by...

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay,

This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now,

And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by...

-dream..-

2007-07-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

i still live for the moments...

...i've only dreamt about.

-the music of my life...-

2007-07-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

so..
i haven't really been doing a good job at keeping everyone informed about my trip have i?apologies.

i've been quite busy as most of you know. the little time i do get to myself i tend to spend on this wonderful creation known as the computer. which my mother says i'm addicted to. i have no idea what she's talking about. i'm not addicted to the computer, it's addicted to me..
is it my fault that it calls my name, and being raised that it's rude not to answer something when it call, i go to it? i didn't think so.

-sigh-

well, what's new in nowhere land?
a lot. it was natasha's birthday today, and idiot me, when she was hinting about it on msn, i didn't get it. so, of course i felt like a complete and total nimrod. but all is well in that area. there were no hard feelings thank-goodness. (i miss you sweetie!)

i'm getting madder and madder at myself lately. it's not fair how you have absolutely no control over how you feel about someone. do you know how much that sucks? i mean honestly.
why do we have to be wired that way? it's horrible...
i've been thinking that i'm starting to have feelings for someone that i don't want to have feelings for anymore..but i think they've been hidden away, and always there, but didn't decide to show their ugly face until now. why? i don't know. as far as i'm concerned, it's stupid. all of it. just, plain old dumbness.
and it's frustrating. because i find, the more i try to deny the fact that those feelings could quite possibly be there, the more i find myself getting into him.
sucky.
and the biggest reason i don't want to feel that way about him again is because, i figure he's hurt me once, who's to say he wont do it again? retarded!

-sigh-

and then there's this whole thing with my other friend. we'll call him....george.
he's quite young and has informed me that he's began to drink. not that i have a problem with people drinking, it's their choice. it's the fact that he told me that he'll continue to drink if he and his girlfriend decide to end the relationship. and drinking to hide the pain, to me, isn't right. so i'm worried about him. (don't hurt yourself...i'm here to talk...)

i miss everyone back home.. so i'm slowly getting more and more stressed out. and i've begun to find myself shuting up more and more in a conversation. i'm beginning to sit on the sidelines and go off into my own world most of the time now. there are no people my age here. which sucks. and so i find myself at that awkward stage where i'm too young to be in any of the conversations that are taking place. so.. i find my way back to the computer.. my comfort zone..

i've been searching and searching for full throttles aswell. and as stupid as this may sound, i think i'm addicted. at least to the caffiene. i was in such a crappy mood earlier this evening, and then i bought myself a full throttle and downed it within 15 minutes.
we went out to another store after as it finally started to kick in, and it was like being on a high almost. i couldn't stop laughing and could barely keep my balance. i was being so stupid.. but it felt good. i was feelin' no pain.
and then, after i started coming down from my rush, i found myself wanting another one.
i'm just so stressed, that i want them to make me feel that good again.. strange, i know.. but i think i'm actually addicted to full throttle. oh, how pitiful.

look at me. look at this pitiful thing. i'm stressed out because i'm ready to go home, tired because i haven't been getting good night sleeps, and confused about these stupid, stupid feelings....
pitiful.
-sigh-

the music of my life,

the cd that's being played,

is skipping...

-dinosaurs and polar bears...in a plane?-

2007-07-04T20:38:00.000-07:00

yesterdays entry was a little on the writers side of things, and i've decided that today....well, actually, i haven't decided what today's is going to be like...

oh well.. let's see where the road takes us shall we?

i woke up over-hearing my mother and grandfather yell information across the house, and seeing as my mother was standing right above me, it was quite loud.
i soon fell back asleep while my mother drove my grandfather to work, and came back home with the car. waking to the sound of quiet conversation, i slowly opened my eyes and came to the horrific realization that yes,
it was morning.

i sat up on my bed, scratched the pitiful rats nest that was my head, and then decided i'd better be off to the washroom.so, i got up and stumbled towards the washroom. which was an amazing feat for me to do, seeing as i was still half asleep. but i made it, and then headed out towards the kitchen for a split second, only to see my mom and grandmother sitting at the kitchen table. knowing i couldn't be a part of that conversation,i turned around and headed back to bed. it was calling my name, and it would've been awfully rude to have not answered it,
don't you think?

anyway.

after fighting with my mom a bit i got up and had a shower. only to realize after getting out that there would only be a few minutes to get ready before my mom and i headed out the door to hit some museums.
two to be exact.
the aviation museum, and the nature museeum. which were both rather spectacular. so, i went back to my room and got dressed, taking the time to just sit on my bed and listen to the bird on one of the branches of the tree outside my window. it was so pretty. just whistling away, singing almost. so relaxing.

so after i got dressed, and ready to head out the door, we left and made a quick stop at Timmy's, (for those of you stupid people..Timmy's is short for Tim Horton's.) where we picked up a breakfast sandwich and a bottle of sprite for the poor little starving child, which was me. and then, we were off to the first museum.
aviation.

we arrived, paid our way in, and began our walk in between and around airplanes. it was a little bit boring for me at first, but then we came upon the squadron emblems, and found the two that my grandfather was in. that made me pretty happy. especially considering his two squadrons mascots were the eagle, and the cougar.
roar.
my mom kept saying something about a cf-100, and how is was the type plane that my grandfather flew. so, the search began, and we found it. we even checked to see what squadron emblem was on it, to see if maybe, just maybe, it was the one my grandfather flew. but alas, it was not. so, we got a picture and moved on.

there were a few pretty cool things to see while we were there. like the cockpit of a plane that was taken off for display and picture purposes. you could go in and sit down, and fiddle with the knobs and buttons and everything that was in there. so, loser me, i got my picture taken in it. we slowly began to make our way to the door to leave, when i looked to my right and saw this wreck. it was the bottom part of a plane that had been found and brought up from the bottom of a lake, or a river, or some body of water. but it was just the bottom because the top, the part that had been exposed, had disintegrated. that was amazing.

while travelling to the next museum, we had the first bit of music playing in the car since we'd been here. and you're dang right we turned it up really loud. that's one thing i've missed more than anything.my music. anyway.

we parked the car and began to walk to the museum. and seeing how my mom hadn't been there for about 16 years, and i had never been there, the fact that we walked right by the door to get it would be understandable right? but don't worry, we found our way in, and made our way up to the first floor where the dinosaurs are. oh yes, they have dinosaurs. although they were doing renovations, so i'm sure it wasn't all the exhibit. just some of it. but it was still pretty cool. there was a prehistoric turtle hanging from the ceiling. a turtle. that made my day. and it's an amazing picture i got of it too.

when we'd had enough of the dinosaurs, we moved up to the mammals. and i saw my favorite animal, the otter. mmhm. and tatanka. buffalo. watch dances-with-wolves and you'll understand. i took some pictures of choice animals, and stuck my head through the "ice" near the polar bear, and had my picture taken as a seal. poking it's head through the ice. it's a cute picture, even though you can't see the polar bear. my mom and i walked through the museum some more and the decided it'd be a nice time to head home and get something to eat. (considering my legs were shaking,i'd say it was a perfect time to go home.) so we did. we went home, and chilled for the afternoon, and then had supper, before we were off again. this time bringing my grandfather and grandmother along.

we headed down to the canal to catch the boat to go on a boat ride, and i'd been bi-polar all day, so i thought, "how am i going to survive this?" but i did. i'm here. and getting on and seeing the tour-guide was a slight booster as well. he had a geeky look about him, but he wore it well. i mostly just looked out the window of the boat and thought about a lot. pretty much about everything. anything that popped into my mind. which isn't really a safe thing to do considering my mind is like spaghetti, everything is everywhere. but i did manage to focus in on one thing and think about it. which was good.

after that, we came home and pretty much did nothing for the rest of the night. it was okay. i mean, i felt like i was being criticized about yesterdays entry, and i was being chastised for playing the normal speed in a fast game. this combined with being tired, and knowing i'd been being b-polar and mood-swingy, is not good. my grandmother is still driving me up the wall with all the things she says and does. but that's life.

i should be heading off.
it's well past my bed-time, and i'm quite tired.
more adventures tomorrow...
g-night everybody.

-wow-

2007-07-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

so, i've just come to the realization that i've been in ottawa for nearly a week, and haven't written anything...
which is weird, don't you think?

hmm.. well, i suppose i could tell you of my dreams that i've been having lately, although i highly doubt that you'd like to be scarred for the rest of your life...

hmm....

i could tell you of the beautiful buildings, and the magnificent trees that are here. i could tell you about how almost everywhere you go, there's something beautiful. whether that be a glorious sunrise, an amazingly crafted old building, or a marvellous tree towering over you.

i could tell you about how i've visited the peacekeeping memorial twice to remember my dad, and the things he's helped with, and the places he's been. i guess i could tell you about how i got mad when i was at the memorial, remembering how much what my dad loves the most, screwed him up. i could tell you how i wanted to scream, or cry, or both, but didn't because that wouldn't be appropriate in a public place. especially for a fifteen, almost sixteen year old girl.

i suppose i could say how much my grandmother is driving me up the wall with her complaining, and her whining, and how this woman does not shut up. she talks and talks and talks. there is nothing this lady loves more, than to talk. but honestly, it's making me crazy! -sigh-
i could tell you about how much the fact that there is no music what so ever in the house, or in the car, is making me want to put tfk (thousand foot krutch) or skillet into the cd player and blare it. not caring what they think.

i mean, i could tell you that.

i suppose i could tell you how much i miss my brother, because when we went on boring trips like these, he's the only one who kept me laughing, and kept me sane. i could tell you how much i hate the two hour time difference because when i go online, no one's on.

i could tell you about the good time i had when shawn was here visiting, and about how he took pictures of my trying to sleep. i could tell you about how we got crammed onto the bus coming home canada day, and we were too close for comfort. i could tell you about how much i miss him, 'cause he's gone now. i could. i really could.

i could tell you about how nice it is to just sit and do nothing but enjoy the cool breeze that finds its way in through the window of my room. i could tell you about how i lie awake at night running things over in my mind, listening to the wind weave its way through the branches of the tree outside. i could tell you of the beautiful blue sky during the day, and the mystifying blackness at night. i could tell you of the rain that fell today. i could tell you about how it started off really small, and how i stuck my arm out the window of the car to feel it. i could tell you about how i then leaned my head against the door and felt it ever-so-slightly on my face.

i could tell you about how much i miss everyone back home, and feel slightly out of place here.

i suppose i could tell you about how lonely i am.....

i could.. i really could...

-i hate this..-

2007-06-18T11:41:00.001-07:00

i hate this past week...
it needs to be forgotten...
and the memories that were made, need to go with them...

i hate this...
the fact that people are saying things...
i hate the fact that it's the end of the year,
and i'm not happy...

i hate this...

-so...-

2007-06-05T20:32:00.000-07:00

so.. updating's always fun... not! haha
i don't know what to say.. i mean, not much is new...
but brad... i suppose he's the only thing that's really, "new" in my life... but yea...
*ahem*

ANYwho...
i don't really know what to talk about...hmm....
well...
uh...

life is boring... lol
haha. can i get an amen?!

oh my...

so incredibly tired....

more talk from the aliens later...