i believe we are two broken people, who are just trying to fix each other.

and maybe people are right,

maybe we are exactly what the other need.

<3

-sunny with a high of 75-

i have officially decided, that i am not going to go through life moping around and feeling sorry for myself.

pity party of one, for kaitlin?

NO.

no more pity parties, no more slugish days, no more "I DON'T WANT TO DO LIFE TODAY". no more. it all needs to end, and it will end here. last week sucked, and i would be lying if i said any different. but this week i have decided that i'm going to will it to be a good one, or else i'm going to hunt down life and punch it in the throat.

i am sick and tired of being sick and tired, and honestly, me being down in the dumps is not what God intends for me. so instead, i'm going to take life by the hand (unless it pisses me off of course) and enjoy it!
finding joy in the little things, people! that's what it's all about. i know it's cheesy to say that you have to stop and smell the roses, but you really do!
take a second to look up at the sky on a beautiful summers day, or the stars at night.

i saw the northern lights for the first time in years the other night. i was walking home from 711 with my roommate, and got really distracted. i stopped in the middle of the road to watch them dance. she thought i was nuts, but i needed that moment. i needed to stop and enjoy something beautiful. and it was. they were teal and blue and i felt like they were only dancing for me. of course, i know that's not true. but.. you get my point.
i got lost in that moment. and i got so lost that i ended up finding myself. or at least a part of myself.

i don't want to go through life depressed about this and that. life is way too short for that! we need to learn as busy-body humans that life is meant to be enjoyed! you are meant to live, and not just exist.

i suppose there is more to this personal over-haul than i originally anticipated.
oh well.
i'm not expecting any of this to be easy. "easy" and i have never really gotten along. where as "difficult" and i are pretty good friends. life has always thrown a bump or two my way, and honestly i wouldn't have it any other way. everything i have gone through has ultimatly made me stronger, and i really need to start believing that. i am stronger than even i believe or know.

standing on my own two feet,

i am stronger now than i was yesterday,

with You holding my hand,

i will look towards the future and say,

bring. it. on.

-i love you-

i'm not sure how many people actually read this, but i want to say something.

recently i have been going through a re-discovery of who i used to be, who i want to be, and ultimatly who i am, and i've had an ipiphany as far as my insecurities go.
it feels so incredibly awesome to be this close to my God.

and i just wanted to say something.

for those of you who feel like you've messed up too many times for anyone to love you,
you haven't.
for those of you who have pushed everyone away because you're afraid of letting someone in,
you're not.
for those of you who feel like you're the only one left,
you're not.
for those of you who feel like no one understands what you're going through,
they do.
for those of you who feel like something big, something that you might regret later, will help fix things,
it wont.
for those of you who feel like no one's listening,
He is.
for those of you who feel like there's no one to talk to,
there is.
for those of you who feel unworthy,
you ARE worthy.

you are so much more than you know. you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are wanted, you are needed, you are loved.

i love you.

and if i could, i would wrap my arms around you and tell you everything's going to be okay, because it will be. everything will be alright. cry now, and laugh later. and when do you laugh, laugh like it's an infection of the soul. like you can't control it. just let it take you over and let it do something amazing in your life.
all things will work out in the end.

i promise.

"it seems that all my bridges have been burned,

but you say 'that's exactly how this grace thing works'"

mumford and sons - roll away your stone.

-so the sun sets on another day.-

pt. 1

i lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and glancing out my window every now and again to watch the sky. it will be another sleepless night, and i know it. it still amazes me how the sky, now that it's summer, never really turns completely black. it's more of a dark teal color throughout the entire night. it can be 2am, and yet the sky will refuse to completely give itself over to the night.
almost as in protest. "i will not be shut out" and apparently, neither will my mind.
i fear i'm turning into an insomniac. slowly, but surely. it seems that every night i stay up just a little bit later than the night before. not because i'm too awake to be asleep. don't misunderstand, my body is worn to the point of exhaustion, but it's my mind you see. my mind that wont shut up. shut down? shut out? in any matter, it makes it incredibly difficult to rest at night when i should be. instead, i end up tossing and turning in my twin size bed, thinking of the things that have past, and the things that have yet to come. as hard as i try to relax, as hard as i try to just concentrate on my breathing, it wont be quiet.
breathe in, breathe out. breathe in, breathe out. close my eyes and concentrate. concentrate on nothing but the breathing. yawn. re-adjust. heart slows down. relaxation? possibly. sleep? possibly. rest? god, i hope so.
i'm almost into that place of euphoria and freedom when i begin to think again. about what? anything. everything. someone, something, somewhere. panic now. what time is it? don't look, you'll only be angry which will delay the process even longer. laying on my back now, one leg straight while the other bends at the knee. i swear i almost look like a laying down ballerina. no! don't think dammit.
calm. quiet. breathe.
say a quick prayer.
i know i don't talk to you that often anymore, but please, let me rest.
there is too much on my mind to sleep. i will get there sometime tonight, as i always do. but for now, my eyes slowly open. everything feels like it's caving in on me at once, and there's nothing i can do to stop it. as much as i try to push back, stop it from swallowing me whole again, it comes hard and fast. it is loud. i throw my hands against my head, running my fingers through my hair. no.. i don't want this.. go away...
i can't get it to stop. it's coming again.
the tears begin to flow, warm against my skin.
i need to get away.
one last peer out my window to take in the strange teal colored sky, and i let the tears sail me away to sleep.
at last.

-getting lost in my mind again..-

how do i decipher what it is You are trying to say?

how do i tell him, i might have to walk the other way?

how can i be sure of what is right?

please, just help me sleep tonight.

put my restless mind to bed.

help me relax my busy head.

wrap me in Your arms tonight,

and sing me a sweet song tonight.

sing me a lullaby..

-everything we used to be.-

it's official.

it's a fact.

it's the truth.

it's reality.

it's hitting me like a brick wall.

it's acceptance.

it's here.

it's right in front of me.

it's you.

it's me.

it's that building.

it's those nights.

it's those laughs.

it's those tears.

it's those moments of silence.

it's your smile.

it's your wit.

it's your everything.

and i miss it all.

i miss you.